In The Twilight of Kali Yuga
The Tigers loss certainly has something to do with my crabby attitude and depression. That game...was too close to home. Hard work doesn't always pay off. Especially when the other team is better. And when they score four runs with huge flair and grins, it makes you feel small.
Lately, I have felt this small. Someone with a birds eye view might say everything is in place. True, my wife, son, and dog sustain my joy past something others would define as temporal. But my problems aren't a result of their actions. I'm not pleased with my performance and actions.
This feeling has been a long time coming. Sometimes I think its a natural outworking of not being able to run and release all the pent up emotions.
Owning a home has also brought about a new degree of challenges. For starters, my lack of handyman skills is a constant ego buster. I was putting together a 2 step kids table from IKEA, only to realize I don't own a wrench. I can grow a epic beard, but I can't put together an "easy to assemble table". And what 29 year-old doesn't own a wrench!
I often feel compared with every man who has come before me and done it better. Most days I don't feel like my family has faith in my work. And the 'to-do' list gets longer and wider every weekend I give into this belief.
Lately, I've wanted to flee. Putting away veggies only to realize moments later there's no room in the fridge...and now a 30 second task has become a full-on refrigerator clean out, is more than I can bare. Why can't I laugh and thank the Lord for a house full of fresh food?
Watching my son walk and get into things I'd rather he stay out off, is another restraint I wasn't ready for. Its darn near impossible to get anything done when he's awake. I cherish the hours we play together, read and point to pictures, take baths, and go for walks...but forget getting the garage cleaned out when he's around. And maybe that's the point. Don't clean the garage out...enjoy your son. Do what you can when he's sleeping...and the rest can wait for another day. But its this build up that has me so stressed and angry.
I also have been very lazy at work. I mostly just download music and read about Jandek. I fear this school isn't going to be open much longer. Then what will I do?
Despite all the groans and whining...I've been fortunate to discover a handful of inspirational albums.
Thanks to the Master Musicians of Bukkake. I am rejuvenated by Totem Three.
Lately, I have felt this small. Someone with a birds eye view might say everything is in place. True, my wife, son, and dog sustain my joy past something others would define as temporal. But my problems aren't a result of their actions. I'm not pleased with my performance and actions.
This feeling has been a long time coming. Sometimes I think its a natural outworking of not being able to run and release all the pent up emotions.
Owning a home has also brought about a new degree of challenges. For starters, my lack of handyman skills is a constant ego buster. I was putting together a 2 step kids table from IKEA, only to realize I don't own a wrench. I can grow a epic beard, but I can't put together an "easy to assemble table". And what 29 year-old doesn't own a wrench!
I often feel compared with every man who has come before me and done it better. Most days I don't feel like my family has faith in my work. And the 'to-do' list gets longer and wider every weekend I give into this belief.
Lately, I've wanted to flee. Putting away veggies only to realize moments later there's no room in the fridge...and now a 30 second task has become a full-on refrigerator clean out, is more than I can bare. Why can't I laugh and thank the Lord for a house full of fresh food?
Watching my son walk and get into things I'd rather he stay out off, is another restraint I wasn't ready for. Its darn near impossible to get anything done when he's awake. I cherish the hours we play together, read and point to pictures, take baths, and go for walks...but forget getting the garage cleaned out when he's around. And maybe that's the point. Don't clean the garage out...enjoy your son. Do what you can when he's sleeping...and the rest can wait for another day. But its this build up that has me so stressed and angry.
I also have been very lazy at work. I mostly just download music and read about Jandek. I fear this school isn't going to be open much longer. Then what will I do?
Despite all the groans and whining...I've been fortunate to discover a handful of inspirational albums.
Thanks to the Master Musicians of Bukkake. I am rejuvenated by Totem Three.
Comments
Post a Comment